This past weekend, my church started a series called “in the meantime” – With the tagline: “what to do when there’s nothing you can do.” The message was incredibly insightful – And it forced me to reckon with myself.
Full disclosure: I’m going through a break up. On top of that, my career has become a bit foggy. And I’m talking about the fog that lays on the highway like a thick blanket in the morning. The kind that’s almost sufficating. I’m unsure of my place here in Atlanta, and of this phase of my life in general. I feel like I’ve lost “my purpose.” As a result, I’ve pushed back on a lot of the change that’s catapulting into my life. Because it’s been straight up excruciating.
On Wednesday night I came down with a case of the sniffles – Your basic mild cold, which in a sense is much like a paper cut – Nothing major but annoying as HELL. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t sleep, so I shoved some tissues up my nose and took a little bit too much Nyquill (which is way too easy to do.) I woke up in a daze the next day and went to work with what felt like a spacesuit around my head. But when I finally snapped out of, I was calm, clear and alert.
Similar to the clarity and stillness of the moments I’ve found after accepting some difficult realities about my life. Some things are over, and others are just beginning.
And the relief I’ve gained by accepting it, has been mind-blowing. It’s pretty magical to sit back, let the pieces fall where they will and let go of what I thought I wanted, to make room for what will be – And I have a strong conviction whatever is coming is amazing.
Call it Jesus, call it maturity – whatever. It’s unnerving, in a good way.
The 5-year-old in my head keeps nagging, “But what am I supposed to do right NOW?”
*Insert side eye.* I’m just supposed to sit here and wait?
My conviction says, yeah, just sit there and wait. Better days are ahead, I’m where I am for a reason – A reason I haven’t discovered yet.
It’s easy to fight back against what we know will cause us pain. But there’s a certain grace about accepting life and relationships for what they are. It doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to feel sad, even depressed. But surrendering to that sadness and getting beat by emotions, is a mistake.
If we can accept the darkness as a season rather than a lifetime, our eyes will adjust – And we’ll spot a window.
The level of inner torcher Robin Williams experienced before he died – we won’t ever know. But his death, however morbid it may be, gave me some perspective, and some hope. The whole world, across generations, pay-grades and cultures mourned the loss of such a light. Did he not know how much he meant to us? Maybe he couldn’t find a window, because clearly, there was hope. Even in his death, we remember the way he made us laugh – The way he changed our lives, the way he gave his audience something to hold onto past the movie screen.
Pushing back on the change that organically happens in your life delays the healing process, and the first part of healing yourself is to accept your circumstances, however crappy they may be.
I’m not where I want to be right now, but I know I’ll find it eventually – So in the meantime…
I’m thankful for the pauses, even when growth seems like it’s standing still.
After all, “to live, is an awfully big adventure.”